Regret is a negative emotion that occurs when a person believes his or her past actions or behaviors, if changed, may have achieved a better outcome. Regret is often closely associated with feelings of guilt and shame. We often express the emotion of regret to others in the form of an apology.
=>Emotions
**Emotions are not the same thing as moods. A mood is a state of mind that predisposes us to react a certain way. For example, someone in a low mood is more likely to feel irritated when they trip on a rock. Someone in a good mood is more likely to feel amused by the incident. In general, emotions are reactions to an event, while moods are present before and throughout the event.
**Emotions by themselves are neither good nor bad. They are simply reactions. However, the way we act (or don’t act) on our emotions can strongly affect our well-being.
=>Guilt
feeling people typically have after doing something wrong, intentionally or accidentally. A person’s sense of guilt usually relates to their moral code.
Guilt isn’t necessarily bad. Sometimes it’s even productive. Feeling bad after making a mistake can lead to change, such as an apology or a decision to make different choices in the future. A “guilty pleasure” can describe something harmless a person enjoys even if they feel they shouldn’t or are embarrassed about their tastes.
But guilt is sometimes unhelpful. It can cause physical symptoms, self-doubt, decreased self-esteem, and shame. It can be difficult to overcome these feelings, especially in the case of chronic guilt. But it is possible, especially with help.
If you are struggling with feelings of guilt, contact a qualified counselor who can help you get to the root of these feelings, understand why they persist, and help you address them. Doing so can help prevent them from affecting you negatively.
WHAT IS GUILT?
It isn’t always easy to understand what guilt is. In fact, guilt and shame are often confused with each other, though they’re distinct emotions. Guilt describes a sense of regret or responsibility that relates to actions taken. People may feel guilt over things they actually did wrong, things they believe were their fault, or things they had no responsibility for. Survivor’s guilt, for example, can affect people who survived tragedies when many others died.
People tend to only feel guilty over actions they see as “bad” or “wrong.” A person who believes they are entitled to a higher wage may steal small amounts of money from their boss without ever feeling guilty. But a person who finds a wallet and keeps the money inside without making any effort to find the owner may feel guilty for months or even years, if they believe the “right” thing to do would have been to turn in the wallet.
Some people experience chronic guilt, which can lead to feelings of inadequacy. This type of guilt can lead to destructive actions instead of positive change. People might also manipulate others with what’s known as a “guilt trip” by using a person’s guilty feelings as a tool to them to do what they want.
Someone who feels guilty about something they did might take steps to correct their mistake, apologize, or otherwise make amends. This usually causes feelings of guilt to decrease.
But shame, which describes a regret or sense of responsibility that relates to the self, can be more difficult to address. It’s not always easy to reduce feelings of shame, especially shame that isn’t fully understood. People sometimes feel ashamed of some part of themselves without knowing why. A person might also feel shame when other people know about actions they feel guilty over.
Shame can cause people to feel unworthy or somehow inadequate. It may lead to isolation, acts of self-punishment, or other potentially harmful behaviors.
=>shame
experience of shame—a feeling of being unworthy, bad, or wrong—can be extremely uncomfortable. Shame has the potential to change the way we see ourselves and may lead to long-lasting social, professional, and sexual difficulties.
The word “shame” means different things to different people, though shame is different from guilt and embarrassment. Guilt is usually understood to involve negative feelings about an act one has committed, while embarrassment deals with a societal reaction. Shame, on the other hand, involves negative feelings about oneself, and although a person can be shamed by peers or society in general, shame can also be experienced secretly.
Unresolved shame can lead to feelings of depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem. Shame may also be a symptom of some mental health diagnoses, such as body dysmorphia, or the product of a traumatic experience, such as rape or sexual assault.
Living with shame, regardless of the shame’s source, can be a lonely and demoralizing experience. Therapy can help by addressing the underlying cause. When shame is due to a past misdeed, the right therapist can support a person to make amends or move on.
SHAME: A UNIVERSAL EMOTION
Most research suggests that people from all cultures, environments, and geographic regions experience shame. Research on facial expressions even suggests that expressions associated with shame and guilt are widely recognizable, even among people viewing images of those from vastly different cultures.
WHAT IS REGRET?
The emotion of regret can be broken down into two components:
- A negative emotional state
- Cognitive construction of an alternative behavior or decision
Even if the alternative decision or behavior was highly improbable or impossible, it can cause the person experiencing regret to apply a degree of self-blame.
Regret may be characterized by negativity about the past in general, or about a particular incident in the past. For example, a person might feel badly about the way he or she has spent his or her life and be plagued by regret. Alternatively, the person might just feel badly about a particular incident—such as yelling at his or her mother the last time he or she saw her—and feel regret about it.Regret tends to be a long-lasting emotion, and people might say that they are plagued by feelings of regret that they cannot eliminate. However, regret can also be a short-lived feeling. For example, a child might regret tripping his or her sister and then quickly move past these feelings. The fact that regret is associated with the past, though, can make it particularly difficult to process because the actions that led to the regret cannot be changed.
Feelings of regret are common themes for coming-of-age stories as well as stories in which people take stock of their lives. A character in a movie, for example, might suffer from negative feelings about the way he or she spent his or her life.
HOW REGRET CAN BE HELPFUL
Regret can be a beneficial by helping the person experiencing it gain insight and improve future decision-making skills. Research from the last two decades (2007) even theorizes that regret is an essential psychological construct related to decision-making, coping, and learning.
Regret can also be helpful because it signals the need for a corrective action, which can push people into implementing that action. Under the right circumstances, this can be considered a beneficial consequence of regret.
MENTAL HEALTH AND REGRET
Even though regret may bring positive change to one’s life, regret is more commonly associated with the negative effects it can have on a person’s happiness. Regret may lead to:
- A bias in one’s decision-making, resulting in poor choices being made
- Anxiety caused by repeatedly thinking about the perceived better choice or behavior
- Chronic feelings of sadness and dysphoria
- Varying degrees of guilt
- Shame
- Anger
Regret can significantly impede happiness because regret often causes people to feel shame, sadness, or remorse about decisions or the ways in which they have spent their lives. Sometimes regret can contribute to depression, but depression can also cause feelings of regret that were not previously there.
Therapy can be a useful tool to help you or someone you know cope with feelings of regret. When people spend years fixating on a regrettable choice they often need help to move past it, and seeking a therapist can help people talk through, understand, and move beyond regret.
By Rachael Nyanchama
